Honesty

I'm way too attached to things ill never have.

I wish i was a mermaid. 

probably because ill never be one.

I have a huge crush on Chris Evans.

probably because ill never meet him.

I'm in love with fancy glasses of wine.

Probably because ill never drink one.

I want to move to London.

probably because i'm American.

I want to move to America.

probably because i'm British.

I wish i was black.

probably because i'm white.

I wish i had an anti gravity machine.

probably because they don't exist.

I remember

I remember when my favorite memories were with my cousins.

I remember looking up to people who only looked up to themselves.

I remember thinking i had the greatest childhood.

I remember getting yelled at and thinking i deserved it.

I remember the kitchen, i mean the place where "righteous people" gather to judge everyone else.

I remember the attempt to teach me good from evil and the failure that followed.

I remember when everything was everyone else's fault.

I remember when i thought there was something wrong with me because i was the only person who thought something was wrong with you.

I remember when I spoke up.

I remember when you listened. oh wait. that will never happen.

I remember when no one could be quite as amazing as you, until i realized i only thought so because you did.

I remember when i finally figured it out.

I remember when the powerful people got involved.

I remember when i decided to say screw you and all of your uneducated opinions.

I remember when i decided to forget and never look back.

Narcissism

The house on the hill

4 hours south of the city,

20 miles east of the county,

and 10 minutes south of the town,

There's a house on a hill.

Possessed by broken windows and torn furniture,

Dirty bathrooms and dead spiders,

Cracks in the walls and unfinished staircases,

There's a house on a hill.

Where the water runs cool and the cooler runs warm,

Where kids have sleepless nights and dreamless faces
and care more about races then places
And then call themselves experienced

Haunted by pathetic old sheets a brutal accusations,

The house on the hill holds more than dirt it holds destruction
 dysfunction assumptions
and the people are even worse

 born and raised in the dirt the dust the rust

Their clothing is dirty and their words even dirtier,

The girls think they're pretty and the boys even prettier.

They say look at me I'm better than you.
No look at me, I'm better than you

Where intelligence goes to suffer and ambition goes to die 

The house is plagued. Racism sexism narcissism
 criticism and all the above but don't worry
 I'm better than you  

Where mothers are doctors and kids are sick anyway,
We love everybody but we still hate you anyway
Masculinity is fake and technology flakes
And you take and you take and 

You laugh in the face of those who contradict you, 

You did it to me when i stood up against you.

I gave you money I gave you respect
I gave you brilliance and resilience
but you still you stabbed me in the back

Your words mean nothing
your honesty is a lie like your loyalty and where it lies
and you deny the obvious the clock is ticking time is running out for this planet and dammit
no one cares that your a stout

Your not an organized mess your a messy organization
and this nation doesn't need your aggravation
it needs patience and innovation

and i know that you have passion,
but its as misplaced as your actions
and your overreactions
just listen to yourself cry
FREEDOM
as a man with too many guns who never shot for anything
the son of a narcissist who screams conform, CONFORM
or have your reputation deformed


Says the narcissist as he mocks intelligence and beautiful controversy
Forgive, forgive
Say the ones that won't

Heaven forbid I wear tank tops and skinny jeans
And promote quality and equality
And respect privacy
this rivalry is never going to end 

So say I'm wrong
Give me my memories
Telling me what I saw expecting me to believe you

You gave me anxiety
you spoke every word for me
you thought every thought for me
you thought you did a lot for me
but you never fought for me 

and the hate is more real then the love you say feel

4 hours south of the city,

20 miles east of the county,

and 10 minutes south of the town.

Be careful in the house on the hill,

For 15 years i was consumed by its conspiracy.

Believing everything they said against my own free will.

I confronted them about their beliefs, they told me i'd been brainwashed.
I told them to back off, they told me i cant think straight.
I told them they didn't understand the situation,
They told me i lack skill and education.

They twist the words of those who contradict them,
To adapt to their own selfish convictions.
They deny they're actions when they bring dissatisfaction's,
Because they cant handle anyone else's counteraction.

I was a part of that prison for far too long

Drowning in their whirlpool of hatred, jealousy, and control.
They tried to teach me that democracy was evil.
They tried to tell me that Obama was the devil.
They tried to create my every single path.
They lost that battle when i became a democrat.

Stay away from the House on the hill.

It reeks of pride and discrimination, sketchy religion, and political stupidity.

If i could diagnose it, i would call it Stout Syndrome,

But the Authorities did well, calling it Narcissism. 

Yeah i like the President, Fight me Grandpa

Fear used to be about spankings and being alone at night

Then it turned into skinned knees and mosquito bites 

After that it was the flu and getting kidnapped

Next it was boys, cats, and girl fights 

Slowly it became bullies and rejection, and the thought of having to start again

When i was 3 i was afraid of spiders

When i was 5 i was scared of scooby-doo 

At 8 i was afraid of not being perfect 

At 10 i was afraid of double digit numbers

At 12 i was afraid of blood

At 15 it was losing someone close to me 

17 and I'm still afraid of spiders 

Why didn't anyone warn me about homework

Why didn't anyone warn me about boys

What were you thinking when you told me to go upstairs 

You knew i would come back down 

What about that time we all almost died

I am never ever ever going camping again

Who gave you the right to decide who i do respect and don't respect 

Who said you could choose my hair color and the words i use 

I don't need you to tell me how to dress, We don't all have to look like pioneers 

I can drink caffeine if i feel like it 

Tell me how to live my life one more time and i swear ill become a democrat 

And don't you dare disrespect my President 

I'm scared that you might see this 

I'm worried your going to disown me when i become a democrat 

I fear the day that i do something i swear i would never do, just like you 

I'm already nervous about my wedding day

This is not ending how it was supposed to

I'm still terrified of spiders

Building Mansions In My Mind

Everything they ever said,

Everything they ever did,

Every lie they ever told,

Every promise they ever broke,

Was never going to make me give up.

They told me i was wrong

They told me i couldn't do it
They told me i wasn't smart enough
They told me to give up
They told me i couldn't do it.

Well they were wrong,

They wasted their time.

I'm building mansions in my mind.

This is the past

This is the future

This is the survivors guide on how to build an empire

This is intergalactic space

This is the holocaust

This is pain, regret, anxiety, unrealistic desires, and all of the above

This is love, respect, hope, and the fragments of a dream

I've built castles the size of Colosseum's

30,000 feet up i swear you gotta see them

I built a spaceship to reach my goals

I went straight to the moon, went to mars, went to venus

I'm not a game peace.

I'm the City that i built out of the fire they created within me.

I'm building castles in the sky.
I'm building mansions in my mind.

The bricks that built me

Plus 2 for being born

Plus 2 for not being born in North Korea

Minus 1 for falling in the lake

Plus 2 for almost being fearless

Minus 4 for the grades

Plus 5 for the hotty from Vegas

Minus 3 for procrastination

Plus 3 for the adventures

Plus 5 for the memories

Minus 5 for taking chemistry

Plus 2 for switching to Verizon

Minus 1 for that time i swore at my cousin

Actually plus 1 for that time i swore at my cousin

Plus 7 for being a mermaid

Plus 5 for not doing drugs

Minus 5 for being addicted to oreos

Plus 6 for being an obedient child

Minus 10 for getting caught

11 bricks

Only 11 bricks to build my castle with

William

 

                                       The Short spring mornings we spent running through the fields,

                              The Long summer nights we spent looking, staring at the stars and dreaming,

                                       The endless winter days we spent watching, waiting, hoping..

               Remember when we rode for so long we got lost and it felt like we were running in circles?

                 Remember when we were riding out to the castles and a wall almost collapsed on us?

    Remember when we decided to explore lake Loch Ness and i fell in? That was terrifying, i couldn't swim.

 Remember when you got sick and i was so worried because if i lost you, who would go exploring with me?

   I knew I wanted you the moment I laid eyes on you, you were the most majestic creature i had ever seen.

                                The way your body glistened in the sunlight was almost like diamonds.

           Your hair was so beautiful.. Long, black, thin, soft, and shiny, that's why I called you Cleopatra.

                   I thought that there was no better way to describe how majestically beautiful you were.

             I even wanted to pamper you with jewelry. But you hated it, and you always won that argument.

                Remember when you became William instead? I remember that day like it was yesterday.

      It was the summer we visited Granny and Grandad's farmhouse near the Dunnottar castle next to the sea.

       I told mum that you and I were going to be princesses for a day and ride out to the castle by the sea.

                  She packed us a picnic basket and said to return to the little farmhouse before sunset.

I remember how your mane glistened in the late morning light as we galloped through the fields of lavender,

                 and how my dress ripped on a tree branch when we took a break under the shade.

     We spent the entire afternoon walking on the shore, hopping on rocks, and exploring the small caves.

                            The sun was slowly starting to fall when we decided to head back.

          As we were walking side by side up the large hill right next to the castle, i stepped on something.

                                                                It was an Adder snake.

                              My adrenaline shot up so fast. I just knew it was going to attack me.

                              I thought you'd be spooked and run, and that i would never find you.

                           But instead you trampled that snake to death before i could even scream.

          That night as i explained the adventure to my mother, she patted you on the neck and praised you.

                            Then i said, "Mum, iv'e decided to change Cleopatra's name to William."

                                                                       "Why is that?"

                  "Because he trampled that snake just like Sir William Wallace trampled the English."

                     She did not proceed to tell me that Sir William did not in fact trample the English.

                                 But at a young age, nothing seemed to be more fitting or resilient.

          William, you will always be my best friend, and the most beautiful animal i have ever laid eyes on.

The memory of you is morphed into my heart like the moon and the stars, The ocean and the shore.

                     I will never forget our spring mornings, our winter days, or our summer nights.

                                    I don't know where you are, but i do know your close by.

                                     I can still feel your soft hair in my hands when I'm running,

                        and the sound of your hooves on the stone flooring when i listen close enough.

                                    Your forever in my heart, as well as everything we ever did.

                                Our adventures echo through Scotland like freedom did in 1305.

                       

A Love Hate Relationship

I love love

love loves me,

but sometimes we fight over whose going to make dinner.

but then love cries,

because i punched love in the face.

Love once told me that i would never be able to dunk like him.

but then i got a stool,

and then love had nothing to say.

but later that night love said,

"i still cant believe you got a stool."

Love is frustrating. 

love takes up way too much room in the bed.

so i push love off

and then i feel bad cause sometimes love hits the wall.

and then i laugh, because it probably hurt.

Me and love met when we were children

love made me cry because love was stronger than i was.

love made me climb a tree,

and i fell because of love.

that was the first time i loved love. 

Me and love fight all the time,

but i never get tired of the way love feels.

except for when love brings Nerf guns.

cause well that means the beginning of a long and excruciating ugly selfie war with love.

but of course i win, because love is just too beautiful.

A Letter to Audrey

You once told me to be a girl with a mind, a woman with attitude, and a lady with class. 

But Audrey, when i try to be a girl with a mind i just become blind and create more and more enemies.

You once told me that the only things worth interest are linked to the heart. 

But what if the heart is linked to the very things that cause the uninteresting doubt that leads us to success?

You once said the best thing in life to hold onto is each other.

Then why do they keep letting go?

Audrey your words meant everything once, they created beauty and elegance when the world was lacking it. But then you left and they slowly faded into the hearts of the loving.

You once said that Paris is always a good idea. You were right. Paris was the best idea.

How do i know i'm human?

Well i don't know if i am human..

All i know is that i hate pine trees and love palm trees.

i know that i hate techno and love classical,

i know that i am both cold and warm and black and white and yes and no and wrong and right..

Oops didn't mean to make that rhyme

I know that i love the moon but the sun can be mean sometimes.

I hate Isis.

I hate peanut butter,

I love Gold..

I love George Clooney so therefore i hate his wife.

But actually i don't because shes probably really nice.

Plus hes too old for me according to my Dad

But my sisters and i don't really care because hes hot

is that not human.. cause like hes pretty old.

But i am human.

Because how else would i know what its like to love and to be loved? or do i..

i don't know i cant remember.

I am  human or  i wouldn't crave money and a place in society.

I am human because sometimes i feel like the rusty ship at the bottom of the ocean that will never be pulled to the surface,

or the highest apple in the tree that no one cares to climb and pick because they might fall and get hurt.

Or maybe its because they stole my parking spot so i pushed them out of the tree.

I am human.

Crayons

"Wow look at you! How did you grow up so fast?"

"last time I saw you, you were like this tall."

"You're next."

Guys look i haven't even been to neverland yet